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Jo

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. [03 Jul 2008|08:18pm]
50 mg
100 mg
150 mg
200 mg

zoloft.
1needle|[Stab]

What am I doing. [09 May 2008|02:00am]
I got shit on my shitkickers. Here's how it's been going. I get drunk. And then I crawl downstairs to smoke clove blacks. I decide I need marijuana and some tea. I take the tea in a tall glass, wet from the pilfer. I smoke the marijuana with my highcheekboned friends, beautiful and gaunt. Been going to therapy. They're starting me off on some Zoloft. Depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, they say. I don't believe in monogamy, I only believe in mutual contempt and desires to grope. I stopped falling love with curmudgeons this semester and I know that something is wrong. I've been making pretty good grades, don't really know how that's happening, I thought it was because I flirt mercilessly with all of my TAs but I just found out that one is gay so now I think that I have an A on merit and gosh, that is awful. Mm. I am pathetic. A boy drunkenly expressed adoration for me but will do nothing of it, I think it is because he has a younger sister who is older than me. And to think I've been making eyes at him all semester because I thought he was bold, all describing Edith Wharton's minutiae as taxing. That's not very bold, come to think of it, but I am easily charmed. I draw a lot. I write a lot. I'm too shy to show any of those things to you guys. Especially you guys.



Well here is an unfinished painting.

P.S. I'm nineteen, finishing up freshman year at NYU, cut my hair short, will learn how to be a tattoo artist next year, have no self-esteem but all of the self-involvement, cannot manage a blog, carry a tin harmonica, and am in your sides, climbing your ribs, contrasting canyons to precipices.

P.P.S. I am tired of being contemptuous. I know I want something better for myself but I don't know how to get there, really. I have to see a therapist, a cognitive behavioral therapist, a psychiatrist. I have to see myself sitting on the couch, placing myself emotionally from myself, talking about my past in a mechanical voice and sprinkling in some ums to make it sound more natural. I don't know anything anymore and that has always been my greatest fear. Since 10th grade when I couldn't stop thinking about short lists for hours. I was afraid everything would simply slip out, pulled clean, an orbicular bulb from the dirt.
[Stab]

None [20 Nov 2003|09:21pm]
Life's not going too hot. Friends are pissed because I never tell them anything about myself. So what, I never ask for advice from them, though they come to me. [Hey, that's their freakin' choice. I never forced them to talk.] So what, I never say why I'm in a horrid mood. Or share my personal thoughts on who I fancy, or who I dislike or who looks like they just crammed a bamboo stick up their arse. My friend described me as a transparent bubble, always watching people, but never letting people get near. Okay, so I can't just open my mouth and say, "Hi. My name is Joanna and such and such." I don't need to. I don't like people prying into my personal life, because when people know things, they know too much.

Highschool gossip is already up towards the sky, without my own input.

And then there are my online friends, who I never talk to anymore. :( Except for a few minutes when I'm not cramming some Bio notes into my head and then exploding into little flakes of Jo.

And then there's this little arse by the name of Ben, who is convinced that by throwing pieces of paper into my hair and calling me sugerlumps, he could get over the fact that he's not very liked. Okay, people laugh at me when he says such things. But I don't really mind. Because I'm losing my friends one by one, and I have other things on my mind.

Johnny Depp was named sexiest man alive by People Magazine, and I wasn't even that excited. That really says something, something like, "Hey, you're getting over him." NO. I DON'T WANT TO. I tend to obsess really easily, just because I need something to cling on to. Usually, it's something that I can't really meet or have, like celebrities, fictional characters, Tim Burton. [He's a celebrity. I love that man...] etc.

And I begin to wonder, is life really as bad as people make it look? I mean, if you look around, you can always say that your "life sucks," but it's rough all over. It's rough all over.

I bring you the morose tale of "Life". It's also a board game, go buy one at your local Wal-mart. I want to read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and the Rum Diaries by Hunter S. Thompson. And a few books by Dave Barry, because he usually brightens my day by a lot. [Random] The ceiling fan above my head is spinning around and around, and I wonder if it's going to fall on me, and I would die. Gee whiz.

Wow. I really like Dave Barry. He's incredibly funny. He's just..wow. Wow. I wish he were younger. You know, around 15-16 years old. Life's not too hot right now. It's rough all over.

Anyway, today I ate a peanut butter cookie. And damn, it was really good.
2needles|[Stab]

w00t? [15 Nov 2003|01:00pm]
Look at me. I'm on LJ and I'm posting. [Pumps fist into air]

Now, I think it's time to fill you in on my life. Basically, school work is going alright. Biology still sucks and Geometry does too, but I managed to scrape up a few decent grades here and there, so no problem. :] I still have trouble memorizing theorems and such. [Damn brain. :(]

Aside from the regular home/school work, there's this kid in my class that won't stop bothering me. He seemed alright at first...I mean, he throws paper in to my hair and manages to torture me in the hallways. [COUGH. Sounds like second grade all over again...]He says, "Why can't I just hold you?" but means nothing of it. Damn smirk. I would believe him if he wasn't known for being such a liar. :P

I'm going to hire one of you guys to blow his bloody brains out. :] Yay.

"I am...[wind blows] Confetto."
1needle|[Stab]

wwetwr3572436 [30 Oct 2003|09:04pm]
I am so sorry for not keeping in touch with you guys. My away message is up half of my day and I don't have time to talk to anyone anymore. [Guilt face] Eep. [Scampers off to finish essay] DAMN FAHRENHEIT 451. It was such a great book..now I have to write an essay on it.
1needle|[Stab]

Today rained [01 Oct 2003|02:05pm]
Today Rained. It was so beautiful, even though I ruined my two textbooks and had the leg of my pants soaked to my knee. I love the rain.

Salt and vinegar chips are good. Anyone who says otherwise will be gagged. :)

Chips in general are good.

-Short LJ entry
3needles|[Stab]

HELLO [29 Sep 2003|07:24pm]
Hello all. I'm in a chipper mood. Okay, enough of that fake crap. This is going for friends only, so if you want to read my update about some girl and her water bottle, AND you're not logged in...I would do so. In a hurry, if you please.
[Stab]

Woah. O_0; [27 Sep 2003|12:47am]
Saddam has a xanga. :O :O :O

Okay, not really.

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=saddamhussein

"Real Name: Saddam Hussein
Birthday: 4/28/1937
Gender: Male
Location: Iraq
Occupation: Government
Industry: Government
Expertise: I kill all who oppose me. I strike fear into the lives of my enemies.
Hobbies: I like to crochet in my spare time."
[Stab]

yhbdfbg3yg [24 Sep 2003|07:04pm]
1 I-I@+3 I-I0\/\/ +I-I1/\/95 @l\/\/@y5 \/\/012K 0u+ f0I2 +I-I3 \/\/0I25+...

No, I will not always be typing like this. L337 just helps me relieve stress. Strange, It's true.
1needle|[Stab]

Bah? [20 Sep 2003|03:33pm]








1needle|[Stab]

Blahblahsingasongwhydon'tyou [18 Sep 2003|06:32pm]
It's almost Friday, I can't believe how fast the week went. Still, no matter how fast. School days are horrible. I want to curl up into a little hole and never ever ever ever ever go back to school unless it's to talk to my friends or hang out with my English teacher. [Man she rocks]

I have three tests tomorrow. Biology and math are the two that I am most worried about. I suck at all things...math. And Science..I hate science. My teacher just ruined it flat out. I used to like science, my teacher was so awesome and I actually had fun. But this teacher doesn't understand that I'm not a visual learner, and she constantly uses things around the room to represent it. I ask her to write it on the board, but even when she does..they are little pictures.

And she blinks a lot. Actually, no. When she's angry, she blinks for a second more than regular people do. Oh yes, and she is loud. She can project her voice[She is a cheerleader coach..] so even without the mic, my friends parents had their ears ringing by the end of an orientation.

Me: Ms. M? Can you explain that..
Her: BLINK. TWITCH. Yes, yes. What don't you understand?
Me: Everything.
Her: You should have asked me during the-BLINK- The..the beginning.
Me: Oh. Sorry..?
Her: BLINK. Now..this atom over here..*points to big shiny apple*
Me: *goes insane and dies*


So I came online after a 30 minute nap. I tend to sleep things off, this time it didn't work. I swallowed two cups of sprite[WHAT WAS I THINKING] and now I have this sickly sweet feeling in my stomach, like I drank berry cordial. [No idea..I just think that cordial would make someone feel sickly sweet.]

Thing That Cheered Me Up.
[Stab]

eer [11 Sep 2003|05:54pm]
I'm angry at myself for getting angry at little things. Oh God..the irony.

I showed my dad my progress report hoping for some sort of praise. I got a 101.8 as my grade and I don't even get a smile. He's sitting there, chewing on something eyes fixed on the TV. I don't see him all day. I see him for maybe 10 minutes at around 5:00. I'm secretly glad about that. I don't want to face him. He's so predictable.

Everyday at 4:30 he calls me and asks if I did bad on any tests. He comes home at 5:00 and sits lazily while eating dinner and eating. He leaves at 6:00 for work. He comes back at 10:00 with my mother. They argue, watch TV or talk quietly while I'm upstairs pretending to do homework.

He gets angry when I get a 90. He's proud of me when a teacher says I'm studious.

He's never pleased if I get something from a 91-99. Why..

My mother tells me that it's okay as long as I try my best.

My father tells me that I should try harder.

I can't wait to publish a book. Not only is it my dream, it's also so I can revenge on all those who doubted me...

EDIT Birthdays completely slipped my mind. So sorry. :/ I guess things just took over and when things do that, my memory..uh..erases itself. :P



Happy
Birth
Day
Jazz
AND
Mauie.


<img src="
2needles|[Stab]

Sucks.. [08 Sep 2003|09:11pm]
Sucks. What the hell is a linear pair?!

I hate math. I hate science.

I used to be good with numbers, is it possible that the things I'm good at are now diminishing into nothing?

I wish there were only writing class. :( I can't wait till I publish a book. I'll show my teachers. I will.
[Stab]

CONFUSION [06 Sep 2003|02:17pm]
I'm..confused.



An asian ping pong game with matrix like characteristics?

Someone tell me what this madness is about.
5needles|[Stab]

Grin [27 Aug 2003|09:29pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Today was quite possibly the worst day ever since school started. I left my science binder at home, and now I have 3 missing assignments. I studied for hours for my math test, and it turned out to be really easy. Since I wasted all that time on my math, I didn't have time for my science. I thought that it was going to be very easy, but I was mistaken. I failed. But that's okay, my Hero Heena can help me on my science homework. ;)

I felt terrible. Awful. I'm a straight A student, I don't fail. :P [I sound like a complete idiot right now...but..]I don't know, I guess it sort of hit me that I was in school, and not taking an online quiz on front of the computer like I did all summer. Shrug. So I'm gonna try to do better, but I must have forgot. For I didn't copy down the math homework. [There goes another missing assignment..]

I seriously want one of my online friends on my bus. That would be so funny. Jazz's clone rides my bus, but I don't talk to him for he is tall and intimidating.

Hope all of you are doing well, I'm sorry that I don't post here that often. I stay up until 2:00 in the morning trying to finish my homework. I put things off a lot though. :P

Toodles for now...

[Stab]

CLONE. CLONE. [21 Aug 2003|03:40pm]
There is someone on my bus that looks EXACTLY like Jazz. It's UNCANNY.

He sat next to me today, because I had an empty seat and I was looking out the window. I turned, saw his face and then did a double take. JAZZ CLONE. GASP. He caught me staring, wide eyed and quite amazed. Quirking an eyebrow, he looked away. [Gasp. The perfect Jazz thing.]

:]
2needles|[Stab]

eryeryeg [19 Aug 2003|07:59pm]
Sorry for declining the majority of your chat invites. I've been VERY busy. Super busy. I still have atleast 4 hours of homework after I finish this entry.

I hope I didn't miss anything important...

My sister left for college today. :/ No matter how many times I told her that I hated her and that I secretly said words of anger...I'll still miss her. My parents are never home...always working. So I guess she was kind of like my mother. I can't talk to anyone openly, but ocassionaly...I would tell her something personal. Very suggestive, not at all forward.

Life goes on though...I still have homework. Stupid gifted program. Why did I join this again? GAH.

I love you all.
6needles|[Stab]

wr [11 Aug 2003|03:42pm]
[ mood | tired ]

First day of school...

It was horrible. My alarm clock didn't go off so I woke up at 7:00. I missed the bus. I had to run across a few streets to wait for the other bus. [But that was okay, because I don't know anyone in my neighborhood anyhow.] I still got yelled at by the lady.
...
I get there. And have a dandy ol' time. [COUGH.] Boring teachers[more boring than usual.]...Homework...Tall people.

Didn't eat lunch...was too busy trying to figure out what bus I was supposed to go on.

[Fast forward to end of day.]
And I try to find my bus, but I couldn't. Spent another hour at school dawdling around until my mom came and picked me up.

My bus mates are evil. They have a knack of pushing people around. COUGH. Someone go beat them up for me. e_e;

...:/ I hate school.

EDIT

My internet time is now limited..so I guess I'll have to keep you guys updated on here. :/ If I ignore you on AIM, please don't take it personally.
I have a feeling I'm not going to have a good year.

2needles|[Stab]

etert [07 Aug 2003|11:19am]
[ mood | blank ]

You guys don't know how much you crack me up. Yes, all of you on my friends list.

Something Pov has said more than once: You need a hobby.

:( Leave me alone. :(

:P

Hair came out nice. At first it was green blue, because it mixed with the bleach. But now it's nice. I think. Hope.

Pictures up soon, okay?

2needles|[Stab]

Bad news / Good news [06 Aug 2003|05:27pm]
Badnews: My hair didn't come out like I wanted to. You can see the blue brightly in the sun, and..you can't see it very well indoors. Maybe when the gel wears off, it'll be lighter. I also think that the blueness won't come out on my crappy camera.

Goodnews: My fingers are stained blue, from touching my hair by mistake while the dye was still wet. So love me. :)

Badnews: My sister is leaving for NY soon...college. And is bringing her camera with her. :O

Goodnews: You don't have to be blinded by my face. :)

Badnews: Uh. I watched Happy Days today.

Goodnews: ...I guess there is no goodnews for that. :/

So..pretty soon. No pictures. :/ WAHOO! :D
2needles|[Stab]

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